A Question That Has Long Lost Its Meaning
I don't like being asked how I am, even by the people who know me well. The question annoys me because it is just a polite expression asked for the sake of order. People simply say, “How are you?” and continue walking or doing whatever they were doing before. They don’t wait for an answer.
Long ago, I believed that when people ask, they want to know and care to listen to how you are, and you will tell, for better or worse, the truth. But people don’t really want to know. Those who genuinely do want and care are “rarae aves” – rare birds, and they are my best friends.
I know that for an Englishman or American, “How are you?” isn’t a question but a form of ‘hello’ in passing. It’s just a ritual of asking for the quick lie – “I’m fine.” You are expected not to be honest, even if you are feeling sick, and the person asking is not prepared to listen to anything more than a clichéd response. It is an unwritten rule.
I’ve recently heard the story of a physician who conducted a small experiment at a large hospital where he worked on how much people listen and pay attention to what the other person is saying. As a respected physician whom many in the hospital knew, he walked through the hallways where passersby greeted him and asked, “How are you?”
He kept answering: “Great, I just killed my aunt!”
People continued on their way as if he had said nothing. No one even looked back. The thirtieth person who asked the question stopped and said, “Sorry I didn’t hear you well.” Then again, no one reacted until the sixtieth passerby looked at him in astonishment, for he was the first who stopped and listened to the answer.
This experiment says all about our ability to listen and show respect by listening to others. “How are you?” is one of the emptiest phrases we say daily. Those are just polite words with no real meaning.
We live in an alienated society. We have been meeting our neighbours for years, but we don’t know who they are or their names. We ride with them in the elevators face to face but stare at the floor and don’t say a word, even a seemingly unimportant question, “How are you?”
When asked, people mostly reply, “I’m fine,” even if they’re dying. One of my colleagues often answers, “I can’t complain,” although he is far from being well. A friend said to me that he always answers, “couldn’t be better,” because friends will be glad, and ‘enemies’ will burst with envy. Another friend has a different strategy. He never responds that he is OK or good. He believes it’s better for people to feel sorry for you rather than envy you. When I’m not in the mood, I sometimes answer, “Do you have an easier question?”
None of us tells the truth, even the short version, because people don’t care to listen.
Call me naive, but perhaps honestly asking “how are you?” could be one of the ways to deal with alienation. People living in the countryside still care about how others are. They stop and ask and are really interested in it! Social norms are different. People greet anyone who comes across by saying, “Good day, how are you?” Even if they pass a stranger, they will stop and ask. While we were travelling through the Dalmatian hinterland, it seemed perfectly natural to us to engage in conversations with local villagers who stopped and greeted us.
That kind of interaction is almost impossible in big cities. While I was writing this article, I also did a little experiment. As I passed them, I greeted several strangers on the street (although with a certain amount of discomfort). All I got was a suspicious glare and no reply. Only one person returned my greetings but asked if I might have mistaken him for someone else. It was one of those moments when you asked yourself, "What kind of world do we live in?”
It just occurred to me that even those who stick to the unwritten rule and usually answer, “fine, thanks” or “good,” break it when their doctor asks them how they are. Then they are expected to be completely honest.
Social rules are not permanent, and sometimes you have to change them. Let’s stop asking, “How are you?” unless we are prepared to listen.
Originally published on BIZCATALYST 360°.
PisanjeČlanci od Lada 🏡 Prkic
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Komentari
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
prije 8 mjeseci #35
It's important to take the time to genuinely care about and listen to others, especially those we interact with regularly. Your experiment and observations show how much we have become accustomed to ignoring the people around us and how we rarely take the time to engage with strangers.
It's interesting to note that in certain communities, like those in the countryside, people still value asking how others are doing and are genuinely interested in the response. Perhaps we can learn from them and work towards building more meaningful connections in our communities.
As you mentioned, social norms are not permanent, and we can work to change them. Let's start by making an effort to listen and engage with others when we ask how they are doing. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it's a small step towards creating a more connected and caring society.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 10 mjeseci #34
Thanks for your positive feedback as always, @Paul Walters!
Best wishes to you and yours for 2023.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 10 mjeseci #33
Thanks for reading and commenting, @Debasish Majumder!
Paul Walters
prije 1 godinu #32
spot on as always. Thank you
Debasish Majumder
prije 1 godinu #31
cogent and candid explanation @Lada 🏡 Prkic ! enjoyed your lovely buzz. Thank you for the buzz.
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
prije 1 godinu #30
@Lada 🏡 Prkic I have no doubt that by putting beBee in Croatian, you will be able to speak your beautiful language.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #29
I hope that more Croats will join beBee. Otherwise, I will have no one to talk to in Croatian. :)
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
prije 1 godinu #28
@Lada 🏡 Prkic beBee will be in Ukrainian, Turkish, Indonesian, Romanian, Hungarian, Czech, Greek, Danish, Serbian, Croatian, Slovenian, Arabic, Slovak, Filipino, Vietnamese , Thai, Norwegian, Swedish, Lithuanian, Latvian, Finnish, Estonian.. it will still take several months but we are already on it
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
prije 1 godinu #27
Life is full of superficial conversations and superficial greetings , to me they don't bother me , or when you go up in the elevator for example you talk about the weather if it's raining or hot , the question how are you ... same thing , something they have to tell you ... I prefer that to those who say nothing and pass in front of you as if you were invisible 😹😹... relevant conversations are had with family or real friends
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #26
I'm glad you continue to be active on beBee. :) Lately, I've been spending more time on Linkedin and posting or commenting in my native language. I miss using Croatian. :)
Pascal Derrien
prije 1 godinu #25
I agree people dont really want you to stop them in their track and really answer the question how are you by the way :-)
Fay Vietmeier
prije 1 godinu #24
#25 @Lada 🏡 Prkic
How precious is wisdom Lada 💛😇💛💛
And time is a factor .. we live in an increasingly busy world
I have found children to be a well-spring of honesty when asking “how are you?”
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #23
Thanks so much for your very affirming response, Fay. 💛 With my post, I wanted to say that we should use a better greeting than How are you?
It's a 'non-question' that is interpreted differently in different cultures. For example, it is almost never used as a greeting in Chinese. Also, you should pay attention to the context of the situation before using this phrase.
I only ask, "how are you?'" when I have time to stop and listen to one's response. Otherwise, I greet with hi, hello, good morning...
Different languages and cultures equal different meanings.
On the other hand, the one asked should weigh how much truth and with whom to share. As you said, it requires wisdom. :)
Fay Vietmeier
prije 1 godinu #22
💛💛@Lada 🏡 Prkic
This is a nail hitting the head post
“Rare” indeed are those genuine people who actually care to know your reality.
We likely know who those people are - that we can be truthful with. Though on occasion someone will surprise us.
One must possess wisdom and weigh how much truth or reality to share .. and with whom.
Your post confirms that too often .. people are living in externals .. their hearts are in many ways disconnected with those around them (even under the same roof .. even “friends” or family) .. they are not able to look within or see beyond themselves
In truth, there are many complexities .. every human being is weighed down by their own unique challenges .. and each person handles those challenges to the degree they are able .. at times sharing with others as they are able.
Blessed are those who are connected to genuine, caring people. (by their fruit you will know them) 💛
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #21
I agree. This conversation is a great example where the "How are you?" phrase served as a starter that brings truth and meaning to an interaction.
Here's another example (I heard of recently) of a conversation between two men showing the banality of the phrase if the one who asked doesn't wait and listen to the answer.
The man saw an acquaintance on the other side of the street and called out to him: "How are you?"
The other man answered: "My mother died, and I'm just returning from the funeral."
The first man, continuing to walk, gave a thumbs up and shouted: "Well done! Go ahead!"
Neil Smith
prije 1 godinu #20
Conversation at the side of a hurling pitch earlier this year.
- ‘How ye doin?’
‘Grand. Yourself?’
-‘Ah fine. Finished the chemo.’
‘Oh right. Any joy?’
-‘Nah. Still there and looks like that was my last shot.’
‘Bugger! Are you still on for fishing at the weekend?’
What was interesting to me wasn't the words that were being spoken but how the meaning of the words was so much greater than a mere transcript can present. What these two fathers were saying to each other was so much more than the words that were used.
As you wrote, much conversation is verbal filler and lubricant. Sometimes though, the filler has greater meaning.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #19
We can't agree on everything, Ken. Just for the record, there were other subjects where you made an impact on my opinion.😊
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #18
😃
Ken Boddie
prije 1 godinu #17
I can see that we won't see eye to eye on this one, Lada. The only other thing I have to say is that an old boss of mine once suggested to me that I should, “Choose my battles carefully”. In other words, pick the things we have a good chance of either changing or making an impact on, and let the other things we hate “go past the keeper”.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #16
Thank you, Franci!
It’s a difficult balance to achieve between honesty and politeness. Cultural differences can be vast in being honest or polite.
In culturally blended societies, maybe we need new types of social rules.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #15
Renée, you said it best, people are complicated and culture is a hard thing to transform. Questions and answers are a fundamental component of human communication. I'm tired of rhetorical and cliched questions and responses.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #14
@Greg Rolfe
Greg, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I am aware that, in English, this question serves as a proforma social lubricant, but I ask myself why it should be used in that manner.
My friend recently lost a parent, and she doesn't know how to cope with the "How are you" question. She simply can't give a clichéd answer, "I'm fine." How to say you are fine when feeling the saddest ever?
The question annoys me because the automated response has become a part of everyday life. Why you should answer that everything is OK and that you are fine when you're not?
You don't need to elaborate in detail on your struggles, but you can give an honest answer like, I'm not the best. If the person who asks is genuinely interested, the conversation will continue.
Likewise, when you ask someone, give that person a minute or two of your time and a chance to give an honest answer.
We need to think about both when greeting people that way.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #13
Ken, you asked, wouldn't life be complicated if we actually took everything literally?
I reply with a counter-question, wouldn't life be less complicated if we only say what we mean? 😇 When you ask someone “How are you” and don’t really want to know how they are, why do you ask (regardless of social norms)?
Franci 🐝Eugenia Hoffman
prije 1 godinu #12
I consider it a greeting and trying to be polite, not necessarily sincere. Excellent post, Lada.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #11
Thank you, Paul! 😊
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #10
Jerry, to me, “How are you?” is indeed a question, as well as different versions of the same question. Different cultures and languages, different meanings. The question still has meaning in my part of the word and is not just a mere salutation.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always appreciate your comments. :)
Greg Rolfe
prije 1 godinu #9
@Lada 🏡 Prkic, as you have determined and have very nicely written, questions are important. But the question you are discussing is actually not a question it is a social lubricant. Ken's answer is very accurate in that polite society needs phrases that permit us to interact in a gracious way. Over the years some phrases and in this case a question has moved from being a phrase or question to a proforma social lubricant. Designed and used to permit a person to interact with multiple people in a professional and expedient manner. I expect that is why when you were in a smaller town or location the question returned to being a question and not simply lubrication to permit the smooth interaction of individuals. Society survives on people being able to interact in a consistent and predictable manner. This would explain the confusion and hostility you encountered. Your friends should care how you are, and I expect will stop and answer the question. I hope you have a truly amazing day!!!
Greg Rolfe
prije 1 godinu #8
Quite accurate Ken.
John Rylance
prije 1 godinu #7
True.
Lada 🏡 Prkic
prije 1 godinu #6
Great observation by Jennae Cecelia, John, although not always easy to achieve. :)
John Rylance
prije 1 godinu #5
Are you alright?
No I'm half left.😁 (Cheesy Grin)
Have a nice day you hear.🤠 doffing the Stetson.
Ken Boddie
prije 1 godinu #4
I must admit, Lada, that your dreaded “How are you?” question doesn't bother me one bit. I learned at an early age that this is a greeting only and that the last thing people really want to know is how I am, or indeed anybody else actually is. On my early morning walks this greeting phrase is virtually interchangeable with "good morning", “g'day”, “Hi” or “Hello.” I wouldn't get much exercise done if I stopped to talk at length about the state of health of every passer by. The Americans have their “Have a nice day!” as a form of departure remark, and perhaps an acknowledgement that the conversation or transaction is over. It's certainly much better than “Get out and close the door after you!” Furthermore, nobody in polite society would ever wish a nasty day on someone, and so, such meaningless quips, along with other passing remarks such as “How's it going?” or “See you later” become mere pleasantries and, through overuse, no longer have any literal meaning. If I really want to know the state of a person's health I'll be more specific, such as “Hows that gangrenous big toe of yours coming along these days?” 😂 Wouldn't life be complicated if we actually took everything literally?
Paul Walters
prije 1 godinu #3
Bravo Lada …Brilliant piece
Jerry Fletcher
prije 1 godinu #2
Lada, The questions asked, as you so well noted, are not asked in expectation of listening and responding. Personally, i believe this can be attributed to the rise of the digital age and the consequence of the years of avoidance due to Covid. And so it goes.
John Rylance
prije 1 godinu #1
This is comment/ observation is by Jennae Ceclia.
Surround yourself with people who don't ask how you are doing.
Surround yourself with people who make the effort to make sure they are part of the reason you are doing so well.
I wonder if the answer to the question How are you? Is Dont ask. Those who then ask Why? Genuinely what to to know how you are. The others just ignore your response and have no real interest in your well being and carry on talking.